I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
