I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
