When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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