There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
