he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
