I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
