Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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