last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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