My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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