Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
