What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
two words: eviction party
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
