...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
