Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
