So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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