dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
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