i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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