i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
honey bunches of taint.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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