my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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