dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
