I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
