dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize