I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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