Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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