I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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