no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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