I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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