WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
