I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
