big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
