So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize