I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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