I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
