I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
