He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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