sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
