I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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