There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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