So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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