Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
