I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
