You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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