The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
