You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
