I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
