Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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