You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
