What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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