All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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