plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
