he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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