i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
