I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
