its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
