My liver just broke up with me...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
