I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize