Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
