Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
