i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
